Now that we have covered the very basics of the too often unused art of personal lubrication, we can get a little more in depth about what options are out there.
When it comes to choosing a lube, you’ve got 4 basic types to choose from:
- Water based
- Silicone based
- Oil/petroleum based
- Things that are not lube but people use anyway (ex. ketchup).
Each has advantages and disadvantages (some heavier on one side than the other). Let’s work backwards, shall we?
Things that are not actually intended to act as lube but happen to be wet, sort of:
Including but not limited to: toothpaste, cool whip, maple syrup, soy sauce, peanut butter, spit, honey, and chocolate syrup.
Sometimes situations occur when necessity compels you to twist items from their intended purpose into a sexual capacity. Well, sonofabitch. Out of lube. What the hell can you use? Root around the cupboard and fridge for ten minutes, then run triumphantly back to the bedroom with a jar of mayo.
Now if you ever get so desperate that this becomes even a slightly okay idea, please allow some of the blood to return to your brain and reconsider.
Now, I’m not saying that I’m 100% against improv lube (even though I mostly am), but unless you really know what you are getting in bed with, you can run into an assful of trouble. For instance, mayo is mainly vegetable oil and could dissolve the latex in your condoms—and that’s never a fun surprise. Many contain ingredients that seem harmless enough but still shouldn’t come into contact with your genitals (i.e. sugar).
If you really have to, go with saliva. Sure spitting on your hand Huck Finn style before a good ol’ vaginal handshake might not be the most suave looking move in the world, but if the alternative is grape jelly, she’ll thank you later for that yeast infection you DIDN’T give her. (I should note for good measure, this practice is likely not best for people practicing safe sex.)
Pros: Well, they’re already in your house.
Cons: Most not worth the risk of possible bad reactions.
Average price tag: $3-free
Bottom line? Do yourself a favor and invest in a bottle of lube. Most are not that expensive, and the pricier ones last a long time. It’s your sexlife, man. It should be worth dropping 10-20 bucks on some lube every once in a while. Moving on.
Oil/petroleum based lube:
Including but not limited to: Vaseline, baby/mineral/vegetable oil, massage oils, lotions; and brands like Boy Butter, Buttoms Up Butt Wax, and Love Balm.
Here we have a mix of household items and personal lubricants. They can be thick and creamy or thin and greasy. The most important thing to remember when dealing with oil based products, is that they are not compatible with latex. Which means that if you’re practicing safe sex and getting slippery with some sexy massage oil, your choice of lubricant can dissolve the condom causing it to break—and that can kill the mood pretty damn quickly.
But since they are made of oil, they won’t absorb into the body or evaporate and this makes them long lasting in use. They won’t wash off with just water, so clean up can be a bit of a hassle and require some intense soaping up. Oils are soothing on external skin, internally can be another matter. While some swear by oil based lubes for anal sex, many suggest that the difficulty in clean up, the tendency for oil to go rancid, and its capacity to become a breeding ground for bacteria should relegate these products as unsafe for use inside the body. They can also alter the pH of a vagina and leave this self-cleaning organ vulnerable to infection.
Oil based products are most often promoted as jack off lubes for male masturbation for these reasons. Their texture helps them hold up during rigorous fapping and soothes the skin. Still a hassle to clean up though.
Pros: won’t evaporate, good for skin, long lasting.
Cons: can go rancid, not great for internal play, destroys condoms/dental dams/latex products/other inserted birth control, will stain sheets/clothing.
Average price tag: $10/4 fl. oz.
Silicone based lubes:
Including but not limited to: brands such as Pink, Bodyfluid, Eros, ID Millennium, and Wet Platinum Bodyglide.
Many people consider silicone lubes as the top luxury item of lubricants. Silicone is a material of many hats. It is the base for silicone breast implants, some joint replacements, head lice treatments, silly putty, silicone sex toys, and those neat smooshy muffin pans.
Silicone lube is made up a chemical polymer of the same material. Depending on the brand it can be a thin liquid or a thick gel. It will not evaporate, or dissolve in water making it great for use underwater. If you’re looking for bathtub or shower sex, this will probably be your best bet. This one tends to have a greasy feel like the oils and can be a bitch to clean up. It’s long lasting, silky, and extremely slick which is why it is so often the lubricant choice for industrial machinery. While not harmful in small amounts, this one does not taste good.
Silicone lube is compatible with condoms, but is not compatible with other silicone materials. If you put this on your favorite silicone dildo, your dildo will melt. This one is thought to be best choice for anal sex since it will not absorb into the body like a water based product. It’s also great for vaginal sex though with prolonged use or not thorough enough cleaning, silicone can cause irritation.
Another thing to take into consideration is price. Silicone lubes are more expensive; it’s not uncommon for them to cost double what the same company is asking for their water based counterparts. Many find the price is worth how little you need to use in a session.
Pros: underwater sex, condom safe, for the most part safe internally, long lasting.
Cons: expensive, not compatible with silicone toys, may cause irritation, bad taste.
Average price tag: $20/5 fl. oz.
Water based lubes:
Including but not limited to: brands such as KY, Astroglide, O’my, Maximus, ID Glide, Toyfluid, and Slippery Kitty.
This is the most common and prolific type of lube. It also ranges in texture from very watery to a thick gel. It is water based and so will wash off with water alone. This also means it will be absorbed by your body so will dry up much faster in use than any of the other lube we’ve covered. But it also means that water based lubes are compatible with any birth control or sex toy material. The only thing this toy will blend with is H2O.
Great internally and externally, the only exception is that many find water based lubes to be absorbed too quickly by the body for effective anal play. But there are many awesome brands like Maximus that is promoted as a thick gel like lube, and can hold up in anal play.
These are for the most part very affordable and are readily available. You can likely find KY and Astroglide in any pharmacy. But the quality of these lubes is very different brand to brand. Because it is so widely made, the ingredient list varies greatly, and some lists contain things you don’t want to see on there.
Take KY and Astroglide. These are the two most well known lubes out there. Are they the best? My personal opinion? Not at all. KY is gummy and sticky and dries up way too fast. Astroglide is so watery it runs all over your hand before you can get it where you want it, and it also dries up fast. KY contains glycerin, which can cause yeast infections in women. Astroglide contains both glycerin and aspartame. Whoever decided that it would be a great idea to put a bunch of sugar in a yeast-populated area has obviously never watched Alton Brown.
With such a huge range of quality you really need to check the ingredients list. Avoid brands that contain sugar and aspartame. If you can, stay away from glycerin and L-Arginine. And if you’re super health conscious, try to avoid parabens. But being that picky will pretty much leave you with only one or two choices. Pick your battles. But sugars are a MAJOR no no.
Pros: compatible with everything, readily available, affordable, most will not stain, variety to choose from.
Cons: some too thin for anal, some have blicky ingredients, and some dry up too quickly.
Average price tag: $12/4 fl. oz.
Now, I know we haven’t even touched on specialty warming, tingling, cooling, numbing, flavored, julienne fries making lubes, but we’ll have to come back to those on a later date.
I hope this has helped you to figure out what sort of lube is best for your needs.
My advice? Pick up a bottle of water based lube with no scary ingredients (I swear by Maximus) and see how things go from there.
AHAHHAHA Toothpaste <3 it buuuuuurns!
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