What the--?

Eyebrow Raisers and Double Takes

This Week: The Masturazor by Shots Media

Thanks to Shots Media, an adult DVD distributing company from the Netherlands that has been dabbling in sex toy manufacturing, the world is now blessed with this multitasking product. The Masturazor may look normal enough: brightly colored, phallic, sperm-reminiscent tail, but it has something that other vibrators don't.

And that would be a RAZOR on the tail end.

One can see why most vibrators do not have this feature. While I like my toys a little on the quirky side, having an insertable vibe with a pop off end to reveal a set of blades has never been one of my kinks. Mind you, the pop off end has been shown by those who have tried the toy to not stay on. I will say this again: the protective covering on the razor, doesn't stay closed. Great.

The Masturazor (yes, that would be masturbating with razors I surmise) has so much wrong with it, it just might be right. Except I'm pretty sure it's still wrong.

Personal opinions about genital hedge trimming aside, is it really necessary to have one product to get you off and shave with? Are you really too busy to deal with juggling a waterproof vibe and a normal razor. I would tend to think people would benefit from not being able to hold both items at the same time. I nick my legs enough without having post-coital jelly legs.

American sites refer to the product as the Touche Masturazor. Maybe for me the word "touche" conjures up one too many (and one is too many) classic sword fights to be a good tagline for a dildo with a blad e on the end! I'm seeing a competitive lesbian couple using this product in the shower before suddently yellling "Touche!" as they begin fencing with each other using pink and purple vibrating swords.

While it is blissfully made of 100% silicone, it is only splash-proof, not waterproof. For something meant to used in the shower, this seems like a problem.

The product description for the Masturazor on the Shots Media page begins with this quote:

"The Masturazor is the world’s first personal womaniser! Always ready to give the erotic feelings you crave… "

I did brush up on my definition of the term "womaniser" just to be sure I wasn't mistaken, but yes, it indeed does refer to a man (or in this cas e object) who has many short, sexual relations with many women. I don't want my sex toy to be a player. That is a BAD thing, Shots Media. And I love that ellipsis they've tacked on the end there. What are you trailing off on? Always ready to give the erotic feelings you crave...and a good vaginal stabbing?

If you are intrigued, or masocistic, or just more brave than I am, you can check out the Masturazor on Eden Fantasys where it is going for $59.99, which is a steal compared to Shots Media's $110.64 price tag.

What the--?

Eyebrow Raisers and Double Takes

This week: The Little Gold Eternity by JIMMYJANE

So when you saw Blood Diamond, did you suddenly have the urge to fill your panties with the fruit of forced labor? Does the thought of buying overpriced shoes made by child slaves in India strangely turn you on?

Well, that means two things:

1. You are a seriously bad person.
2. Someone out there has made the vibrator just for you.

The Little Gold Eternity is part of the Little Something line from JIMMYJANE. On its own, the Little Gold vibe, could make its way onto this list as it is a vibe made of 24 karot gold. It has a replaceable motor, buzzes on one AA battery, and will run you $325. And the Little Gold does get extra points because its product page lists "ride your bike in the rain with one in the basket," as one possible thing to do with your new toy.

But I know some of you out there will not be satisfied to fuck yourself with vibrating gold. That's right. The Little Gold Eternity: a 24 karot gold vibrator encircled by 28, amounting to .66 carots of DIAMONDS.

Perhaps you should not only fund the diamond industry, but maybe you should also rub them on your clit. Now, I don't know about you, but when I think diamonds, I'm thinking hardest mineral around that will scratch any other naturally occurring substance. Hey, my vagina is naturally occurring. I'm staring at the zoomed picture and I don't care if those diamonds are inset, they can't be perfectly smooth.

Insanity at literally getting off on diamonds aside, just how damn hard must that thing be to clean! I'm used to going at my jewelry with q-tips and toothpicks to try to get all the dust out. Can you imagine the process of trying to get any fluids out of the crevices in there? Yeesh!

So how much will this little number cost you? (And it is pretty darn little. It's probably about as thick as a finger.) The Eternity runs at $2,750. For that they still won't even put a bow on it for free. It's $5 extra for gift wrapping and $31.57 for Fed Ex Ground delivery.

But at least they are being honest: there's a high probability that you'll be getting fucked with this purchase.

If gold is too flashy for you, they do sell a Platinum version of the Eternity for a mere $3,250.

Check it out for yourself here.