Jonathan Livingston Sexgull

And other things you figure you already know but probably never sat down and talked about.

Alright. You should have seen this coming. This should be common sense stuff, but I’ve got to put it out there. So grab your granola and some sit with me in my patented Sex Lodge (sweating still may occur). This might get a little 70’s hippy on you.

Try to imagine what it would have been like if Richard Bach had, instead of using the symbols “eating” and “flying” in his 1970 novella, used “intercourse” and “anal sex.” Okay, so yeah that would turn this feel-good hippy book into a bestial porno and go from eye-rollingly new-age to a pretty intense what the hell? moment, but that’s not my point. Bach’s purpose was to stress that the process of individual soul-searching is personal and difficult and will often lead you off the “normal” path and may result in you being ostracized by those who don’t agree with you, but that you cannot be happy unless you do this. Same thing with sex, maybe more so since even societally acceptable sex acts are already stigmatized on their own.

Also the Sexgull version would have Jonathon traveling to another dimension, pretty much, to a colony of other anal loving gulls where he is taught the finer points of bumlove by an aged and more experienced sexgull and that would be a much more interesting story to me. Very Ancient Greece.

ANYWAY. Here we go. You guessed it. The everyone is different talk:

Everyone is different. I don’t care how many Cosmo sex tips tell you to do this or that to your boyfriend's cock, and I don’t care what cunnilingus tips you got online—talk to your damn partners. They are the ones who know what they like, not Dr. Ruth. Sex is individual. Talk about it. Yes, we are also having the Communication = good talk. Suck it up, at least you know I’m hotter than an aging seagull (unless that’s your thing…everyone is different, I guess.) There is no single great sex tip to secure a kickass sex life besides listening to your partner’s wants/needs and s/he listening to yours. That’s it. No amazing secret involving your left pinky finger and a Cornish hen encased in plastic wrap. There is no Holy Grail of sex except honest communication.

Learn yourself what you like, because your partner isn’t a mind reader and even if s/he was, if you don’t know how the hell could they? So do yourself a favor and take the time to figure it out. Think outside the box (or cock as the case may be). There is a pervading cultural ideal that penile/vaginal intercourse, missionary style, with magical simultaneous orgasms (more on those in a later post) is the only way to go. If that’s not what gets you off, don’t do it. You won’t fail out of Awesome Sex College because you’re not interested in a certain position or sex act. And I bet your partner would rather you did something you both enjoyed rather than have you lying there making a grocery list. At the same time, if you love missionary intercourse, awesome! Just because it’s a society norm doesn’t mean you have to rebel from it if it gets your rocks off.

Do what feels good, people. And talk to your partners about what gets them off. Make a Venn diagram if you’re geeky. Spend time in the middle and venture off to either side to see how it goes. Be prepared to find out you may be turned on by things you wouldn’t expect. Pegging suddenly sound like a neat idea? Maybe you just really like sucking toes. Homosexual or alternate gender identities certainly count here. It could be as simple as a woman not liking receiving oral sex. (Isn’t that what gets ALL women off? Well, no.) There will be things that you can’t talk about in mixed company, that might get you tossed out of your flock, but the flock can be pretty closed-minded and you’ll be happier if you pursue what does it for you instead of trying to fit into popular conventions.

So that’s about it for now. You are now free to move about the Sex Lodge. I just wanted to make sure that was out there to temper any tips or advice I give on here, because no matter what I say, you are the ultimate authority on your body. So enjoy it and screw the flock if they object.

PS: Happy Beltane, all! It’s not often you get to have fun with a holiday celebrating human sexuality. So for those of you who see sexuality as a sacred thing, go rub one off in thanks.