What the--?

Eyebrow Raisers and Double Takes

This Week: The Masturazor by Shots Media

Thanks to Shots Media, an adult DVD distributing company from the Netherlands that has been dabbling in sex toy manufacturing, the world is now blessed with this multitasking product. The Masturazor may look normal enough: brightly colored, phallic, sperm-reminiscent tail, but it has something that other vibrators don't.

And that would be a RAZOR on the tail end.

One can see why most vibrators do not have this feature. While I like my toys a little on the quirky side, having an insertable vibe with a pop off end to reveal a set of blades has never been one of my kinks. Mind you, the pop off end has been shown by those who have tried the toy to not stay on. I will say this again: the protective covering on the razor, doesn't stay closed. Great.

The Masturazor (yes, that would be masturbating with razors I surmise) has so much wrong with it, it just might be right. Except I'm pretty sure it's still wrong.

Personal opinions about genital hedge trimming aside, is it really necessary to have one product to get you off and shave with? Are you really too busy to deal with juggling a waterproof vibe and a normal razor. I would tend to think people would benefit from not being able to hold both items at the same time. I nick my legs enough without having post-coital jelly legs.

American sites refer to the product as the Touche Masturazor. Maybe for me the word "touche" conjures up one too many (and one is too many) classic sword fights to be a good tagline for a dildo with a blad e on the end! I'm seeing a competitive lesbian couple using this product in the shower before suddently yellling "Touche!" as they begin fencing with each other using pink and purple vibrating swords.

While it is blissfully made of 100% silicone, it is only splash-proof, not waterproof. For something meant to used in the shower, this seems like a problem.

The product description for the Masturazor on the Shots Media page begins with this quote:

"The Masturazor is the world’s first personal womaniser! Always ready to give the erotic feelings you crave… "

I did brush up on my definition of the term "womaniser" just to be sure I wasn't mistaken, but yes, it indeed does refer to a man (or in this cas e object) who has many short, sexual relations with many women. I don't want my sex toy to be a player. That is a BAD thing, Shots Media. And I love that ellipsis they've tacked on the end there. What are you trailing off on? Always ready to give the erotic feelings you crave...and a good vaginal stabbing?

If you are intrigued, or masocistic, or just more brave than I am, you can check out the Masturazor on Eden Fantasys where it is going for $59.99, which is a steal compared to Shots Media's $110.64 price tag.

Lube 102

Lube 102: What you should and should not put on your sexy bits.

Now that we have covered the very basics of the too often unused art of personal lubrication, we can get a little more in depth about what options are out there.

When it comes to choosing a lube, you’ve got 4 basic types to choose from:

• Water based
• Silicone based
• Oil/petroleum based
• Things that are not lube but people use anyway (ex. ketchup).

Each has advantages and disadvantages (some heavier on one side than the other). Let’s work backwards, shall we?

Things that are not actually intended to act as lube but happen to be wet, sort of:

Including but not limited to: toothpaste, cool whip, maple syrup, soy sauce, peanut butter, spit, honey, and chocolate syrup.

Sometimes situations occur when necessity compels you to twist items from their intended purpose into a sexual capacity. Well, sonofabitch. Out of lube. What the hell can you use? Root around the cupboard and fridge for ten minutes, then run triumphantly back to the bedroom with a jar of mayo.

Now if you ever get so desperate that this becomes even a slightly okay idea, please allow some of the blood to return to your brain and reconsider.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m 100% against improv lube (even though I mostly am), but unless you really know what you are getting in bed with, you can run into an assful of trouble. For instance, mayo is mainly vegetable oil and could dissolve the latex in your condoms—and that’s never a fun surprise. Many contain ingredients that seem harmless enough but still shouldn’t come into contact with your genitals (i.e. sugar).

If you really have to, go with saliva. Sure spitting on your hand Huck Finn style before a good ol’ vaginal handshake might not be the most suave looking move in the world, but if the alternative is grape jelly, she’ll thank you later for that yeast infection you DIDN’T give her. (I should note for good measure, this practice is likely not best for people practicing safe sex.)

Pros: Well, they’re already in your house.
Cons: Most not worth the risk of possible bad reactions.
Average price tag: $3-free

Bottom line? Do yourself a favor and invest in a bottle of lube. Most are not that expensive, and the pricier ones last a long time. It’s your sexlife, man. It should be worth dropping 10-20 bucks on some lube every once in a while. Moving on.

Oil/petroleum based lube:

Including but not limited to: Vaseline, baby/mineral/vegetable oil, massage oils, lotions; and brands like Boy Butter, Buttoms Up Butt Wax, and Love Balm.

Here we have a mix of household items and personal lubricants. They can be thick and creamy or thin and greasy. The most important thing to remember when dealing with oil based products, is that they are not compatible with latex. Which means that if you’re practicing safe sex and getting slippery with some sexy massage oil, your choice of lubricant can dissolve the condom causing it to break—and that can kill the mood pretty damn quickly.

But since they are made of oil, they won’t absorb into the body or evaporate and this makes them long lasting in use. They won’t wash off with just water, so clean up can be a bit of a hassle and require some intense soaping up. Oils are soothing on external skin, internally can be another matter. While some swear by oil based lubes for anal sex, many suggest that the difficulty in clean up, the tendency for oil to go rancid, and its capacity to become a breeding ground for bacteria should relegate these products as unsafe for use inside the body. They can also alter the pH of a vagina and leave this self-cleaning organ vulnerable to infection.

Oil based products are most often promoted as jack off lubes for male masturbation for these reasons. Their texture helps them hold up during rigorous fapping and soothes the skin. Still a hassle to clean up though.

Pros: won’t evaporate, good for skin, long lasting.
Cons: can go rancid, not great for internal play, destroys condoms/dental dams/latex products/other inserted birth control, will stain sheets/clothing.
Average price tag: $10/4 fl. oz.

Silicone based lubes:

Including but not limited to: brands such as Pink, Bodyfluid, Eros, ID Millennium, and Wet Platinum Bodyglide.

Many people consider silicone lubes as the top luxury item of lubricants. Silicone is a material of many hats. It is the base for silicone breast implants, some joint replacements, head lice treatments, silly putty, silicone sex toys, and those neat smooshy muffin pans.

Silicone lube is made up a chemical polymer of the same material. Depending on the brand it can be a thin liquid or a thick gel. It will not evaporate, or dissolve in water making it great for use underwater. If you’re looking for bathtub or shower sex, this will probably be your best bet. This one tends to have a greasy feel like the oils and can be a bitch to clean up. It’s long lasting, silky, and extremely slick which is why it is so often the lubricant choice for industrial machinery. While not harmful in small amounts, this one does not taste good.

Silicone lube is compatible with condoms, but is not compatible with other silicone materials. If you put this on your favorite silicone dildo, your dildo will melt. This one is thought to be best choice for anal sex since it will not absorb into the body like a water based product. It’s also great for vaginal sex though with prolonged use or not thorough enough cleaning, silicone can cause irritation.

Another thing to take into consideration is price. Silicone lubes are more expensive; it’s not uncommon for them to cost double what the same company is asking for their water based counterparts. Many find the price is worth how little you need to use in a session.

Pros: underwater sex, condom safe, for the most part safe internally, long lasting.
Cons: expensive, not compatible with silicone toys, may cause irritation, bad taste.
Average price tag: $20/5 fl. oz.

Water based lubes:

Including but not limited to: brands such as KY, Astroglide, O’my, Maximus, ID Glide, Toyfluid, and Slippery Kitty.

This is the most common and prolific type of lube. It also ranges in texture from very watery to a thick gel. It is water based and so will wash off with water alone. This also means it will be absorbed by your body so will dry up much faster in use than any of the other lube we’ve covered. But it also means that water based lubes are compatible with any birth control or sex toy material. The only thing this toy will blend with is H2O.

Great internally and externally, the only exception is that many find water based lubes to be absorbed too quickly by the body for effective anal play. But there are many awesome brands like Maximus that is promoted as a thick gel like lube, and can hold up in anal play.

These are for the most part very affordable and are readily available. You can likely find KY and Astroglide in any pharmacy. But the quality of these lubes is very different brand to brand. Because it is so widely made, the ingredient list varies greatly, and some lists contain things you don’t want to see on there.

Take KY and Astroglide. These are the two most well known lubes out there. Are they the best? My personal opinion? Not at all. KY is gummy and sticky and dries up way too fast. Astroglide is so watery it runs all over your hand before you can get it where you want it, and it also dries up fast. KY contains glycerin, which can cause yeast infections in women. Astroglide contains both glycerin and aspartame. Whoever decided that it would be a great idea to put a bunch of sugar in a yeast-populated area has obviously never watched Alton Brown.

With such a huge range of quality you really need to check the ingredients list. Avoid brands that contain sugar and aspartame. If you can, stay away from glycerin and L-Arginine. And if you’re super health conscious, try to avoid parabens. But being that picky will pretty much leave you with only one or two choices. Pick your battles. But sugars are a MAJOR no no.

Pros: compatible with everything, readily available, affordable, most will not stain, variety to choose from.
Cons: some too thin for anal, some have blicky ingredients, and some dry up too quickly.
Average price tag: $12/4 fl. oz.

Now, I know we haven’t even touched on specialty warming, tingling, cooling, numbing, flavored, julienne fries making lubes, but we’ll have to come back to those on a later date.

I hope this has helped you to figure out what sort of lube is best for your needs.

My advice? Pick up a bottle of water based lube with no scary ingredients (I swear by Maximus) and see how things go from there.

For your very special presents

My newest review for Eden Fantasys is for the Patent Leather Bow Wrist Restraint by JT Stockroom. The review for the product can be found here.

It's a beautiful piece of luxury bondage gear with a unique cuff system so we took some pictures to show how this neat product works.

Here are the component parts of the cuffs:
















Uno hand.








Ready, set, cuff!









Dos hands!

Making progress.









Add the bow.
Dare you to try to do this on your own.






Lock it all in place.

And there you have it.

These cuffs also work great on ankles.

If you're interested, keep in mind these are complex to get on and slow to get off and there is no quick release.

This is certainly a quick way to show your sub in a loving, comfortable way just how much of a sex object they are. A person-present to unwrap and enjoy.

Lube 101

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Jonathan Livingston Sexgull

And other things you figure you already know but probably never sat down and talked about.

Alright. You should have seen this coming. This should be common sense stuff, but I’ve got to put it out there. So grab your granola and some sit with me in my patented Sex Lodge (sweating still may occur). This might get a little 70’s hippy on you.

Try to imagine what it would have been like if Richard Bach had, instead of using the symbols “eating” and “flying” in his 1970 novella, used “intercourse” and “anal sex.” Okay, so yeah that would turn this feel-good hippy book into a bestial porno and go from eye-rollingly new-age to a pretty intense what the hell? moment, but that’s not my point. Bach’s purpose was to stress that the process of individual soul-searching is personal and difficult and will often lead you off the “normal” path and may result in you being ostracized by those who don’t agree with you, but that you cannot be happy unless you do this. Same thing with sex, maybe more so since even societally acceptable sex acts are already stigmatized on their own.

Also the Sexgull version would have Jonathon traveling to another dimension, pretty much, to a colony of other anal loving gulls where he is taught the finer points of bumlove by an aged and more experienced sexgull and that would be a much more interesting story to me. Very Ancient Greece.

ANYWAY. Here we go. You guessed it. The everyone is different talk:

Everyone is different. I don’t care how many Cosmo sex tips tell you to do this or that to your boyfriend's cock, and I don’t care what cunnilingus tips you got online—talk to your damn partners. They are the ones who know what they like, not Dr. Ruth. Sex is individual. Talk about it. Yes, we are also having the Communication = good talk. Suck it up, at least you know I’m hotter than an aging seagull (unless that’s your thing…everyone is different, I guess.) There is no single great sex tip to secure a kickass sex life besides listening to your partner’s wants/needs and s/he listening to yours. That’s it. No amazing secret involving your left pinky finger and a Cornish hen encased in plastic wrap. There is no Holy Grail of sex except honest communication.

Learn yourself what you like, because your partner isn’t a mind reader and even if s/he was, if you don’t know how the hell could they? So do yourself a favor and take the time to figure it out. Think outside the box (or cock as the case may be). There is a pervading cultural ideal that penile/vaginal intercourse, missionary style, with magical simultaneous orgasms (more on those in a later post) is the only way to go. If that’s not what gets you off, don’t do it. You won’t fail out of Awesome Sex College because you’re not interested in a certain position or sex act. And I bet your partner would rather you did something you both enjoyed rather than have you lying there making a grocery list. At the same time, if you love missionary intercourse, awesome! Just because it’s a society norm doesn’t mean you have to rebel from it if it gets your rocks off.

Do what feels good, people. And talk to your partners about what gets them off. Make a Venn diagram if you’re geeky. Spend time in the middle and venture off to either side to see how it goes. Be prepared to find out you may be turned on by things you wouldn’t expect. Pegging suddenly sound like a neat idea? Maybe you just really like sucking toes. Homosexual or alternate gender identities certainly count here. It could be as simple as a woman not liking receiving oral sex. (Isn’t that what gets ALL women off? Well, no.) There will be things that you can’t talk about in mixed company, that might get you tossed out of your flock, but the flock can be pretty closed-minded and you’ll be happier if you pursue what does it for you instead of trying to fit into popular conventions.

So that’s about it for now. You are now free to move about the Sex Lodge. I just wanted to make sure that was out there to temper any tips or advice I give on here, because no matter what I say, you are the ultimate authority on your body. So enjoy it and screw the flock if they object.

PS: Happy Beltane, all! It’s not often you get to have fun with a holiday celebrating human sexuality. So for those of you who see sexuality as a sacred thing, go rub one off in thanks.

What the--?

Eyebrow Raisers and Double Takes

This week: The Little Gold Eternity by JIMMYJANE

So when you saw Blood Diamond, did you suddenly have the urge to fill your panties with the fruit of forced labor? Does the thought of buying overpriced shoes made by child slaves in India strangely turn you on?

Well, that means two things:

1. You are a seriously bad person.
2. Someone out there has made the vibrator just for you.

The Little Gold Eternity is part of the Little Something line from JIMMYJANE. On its own, the Little Gold vibe, could make its way onto this list as it is a vibe made of 24 karot gold. It has a replaceable motor, buzzes on one AA battery, and will run you $325. And the Little Gold does get extra points because its product page lists "ride your bike in the rain with one in the basket," as one possible thing to do with your new toy.

But I know some of you out there will not be satisfied to fuck yourself with vibrating gold. That's right. The Little Gold Eternity: a 24 karot gold vibrator encircled by 28, amounting to .66 carots of DIAMONDS.

Perhaps you should not only fund the diamond industry, but maybe you should also rub them on your clit. Now, I don't know about you, but when I think diamonds, I'm thinking hardest mineral around that will scratch any other naturally occurring substance. Hey, my vagina is naturally occurring. I'm staring at the zoomed picture and I don't care if those diamonds are inset, they can't be perfectly smooth.

Insanity at literally getting off on diamonds aside, just how damn hard must that thing be to clean! I'm used to going at my jewelry with q-tips and toothpicks to try to get all the dust out. Can you imagine the process of trying to get any fluids out of the crevices in there? Yeesh!

So how much will this little number cost you? (And it is pretty darn little. It's probably about as thick as a finger.) The Eternity runs at $2,750. For that they still won't even put a bow on it for free. It's $5 extra for gift wrapping and $31.57 for Fed Ex Ground delivery.

But at least they are being honest: there's a high probability that you'll be getting fucked with this purchase.

If gold is too flashy for you, they do sell a Platinum version of the Eternity for a mere $3,250.

Check it out for yourself here.

Everybody Kegel! Part Two

Advanced Kegeling:
Tools and Techniques

Now that you know how to Kegel, the hardest part of the exercise is remembering to do it! So pick an activity that you do pretty much everyday. Waste you brain on the boob tube a few hours a day? Pass the commercials strengthening your PC's. Decide to do them at the stop lights on your commute or while you longingfully wait for your morning coffee to perk. Just pick a time that will remind you, Oh! here is where I squeeze my sexy bits! Once you get into the routine of it, Kegeling will just be part of your normal day like brushing your teeth or Google Image-searching dirty words for fun.

What else can help you remember to do your Kegels or really challenge those muscles? Luckily there are a nearly endless line of products developed for this very purpose. While I could write an entry on each of these (and certainly will for some of them) but here's a run down on the best and most amusing ones.


No one seems to be able to agree on if just Kegels on their own is enough or if resistance is really necessary for PC strength. Like Tai Chi vs. lifting weights. It is funny to note though that the people who claim that Kegels alone do nothing, are the same people selling you a product to fix that.

First developed by gynecologist Arnold Kegel in 1948, vaginal exercisers have taken off from there. Originally, Kegel used a bulb-like structure that when the PC's tightened around it, the pressure could be noted over time. Kegel believed that to obtain real results, the PC muscles need to work against some resistance. Strangely enough, a Kegel exercise as we know it today without any inserted apparatus, is something that Arnold Kegel never studied or endorsed.

Modern tools for resistance training of the pelvic floor muscles vary widely and break down into three basic groups: balls, exercisers, and weights. There is crossover--bear with me. And most of them come with great names like KegelMaster 2000, GyneFlex, Kegelcisor, and Pelvexiser. Which all sound like either a must have product that slices, dices, AND drives you to work--or really hardcore wrestling moves. Neither of which I want anywhere near my vagina, but let's go over the major ones.

Balls

Known as Ben Wa balls, vaginal balls, K-balls, and pleasaure balls, these products are small balls ranging in size from a marble to a ping pong ball. They are meant to be inserted into the vagina and left there. Their presense is a reminder to Kegel around their resistance. Many of them are hollow with small metal balls inside them so that when you move they resonate with tiny little vibrations, but usually nothing that noticeable unless you're doing jumping jacks. They are made from all sorts of materials from rubber to semi-precious stones.


PROS: Multitasking toy--you can put these in and go grocery shopping, small vibration builds arousal, larger balls can give g-spot stimulation, most affordable.

CONS: Some find them difficult to insert or uncomfortable at first, difficult to maneuver in public bathrooms (some people can pee with them in but I sure can't), you'll want to make sure you get a nonporous material as no one wants something that breeds bacteria nestled in your twat for hours on end.

Exercisers

For the most part, these all look like clothespins to me. They are not toys, these are a workout. Products like the KegelMaster 200 and the GyneFlex rely basically on the concept of opening a spring loaded clothespin with your extreme vaginal prowess. Some of them even have pressure gauges attached so you can see just how many pounds of cubic force you're exerting. (Let's hope not too many if you've got a male partner. Yikes.)


PROS: These are the Rocky training class of exercisers, proof you're working the right muscles, perk of checking your vag pressure on a guage, some are affordable.

CONS: You really have to sit down and set aside time to only do your Kegels because unless you have really comfortable roommates--this is a lay in your room with the door closed activity, many are expensive.

Weights

This is where we come to things like the Isis and the Kegelcisor. These exercisers tend to look like dildos and can play double duty. They are made of heavy materials like glass, acrylic, and stainless steal. These are mainly used as a hard surface to Kegel around while inserted or as a weight to insert into the vagina, stand up, and try to keep the toy there. If you can hold a full pound of steel in your vagina by a small bulb while standing, I'd say you're on your way to Olympic PC's.

PROS: While you're there if you get bored you can start masturbating, double as sex toys on their own, prices vary greatly.

CONS: Not a multitasking option, risk that user might never get to the exercising part, some are expensive.


Feeling Left Out, Guys?

There is one Kegel exerciser for men out there and it's not so imaginitively called The Kegel Male Trainer. They are pretty much cock pullups. You hang weights from your penis and lift them using your PC muscles. You have to check it out to really get the full effect. There's an animated illustration. It's pretty amazing. If you're brave enough, check out the video. My favorite part is the first "Helpful Tips."